Christmas Without You

Christmas can be difficult without the people that we love. Knowing that they are with the Lord should give us comfort, but still our hearts cry out for one last hug or to hear their voice say " I love you" again. My papa was the first person close to me that I had lost. I had lost a cousin, but he had a lot of health issues so there is comfort in his passing. My papa however was sudden, although he was high in age, it was unexpected. I had just seen him earlier that day, he was full of energy working like I had never seen him work before. He didn't complain about any soreness and was cheerful, humming with praises to the Lord. My papa gave me several hugs that day, the bear kind that smoother you and if I knew they would have been the last I would have embraced them instead of fighting for air. I thank God everyday for the last day, what a blessing to get to say goodbye without knowing it. The shock of hearing of his passing that night combined with the screaming of my nanas' voice as I overheard the corner while on the phone with her ,as she was pleading for the Lord for him to be okay. I broke. I remember the pain like no other I have felt to this day. In tears, balled up I cried out to the Lord, no understanding why. "Lord give me comfort, I can't because my heart….I can't take this pain, Lord take my pain."  This is the first time I had ever prayed to where I could feel my soul begging to the Lord. I prayed for myself to sleep that night. 

I woke up later and I had a dream about Jesus praying at a well with the night sky and stars behind him. I didn't know what it meant, but somehow it gave me comfort. A few days later I went to my nana's and my heart broke for her and all of my family. My mom pulled me to the side and handed me my papa bible. She said " he wanted you to have this." The realness of his death  opened up my new wound and I stepped outside to breathe, pray. I knew my papa loved the Lord. I also knew it was very precious to him, he took it everywhere and was always writing notes in it.  I knew the Lord was real. I knew what His power was capable of through the transformation of my father; but I had known him personally. 

The funeral was a sermon in itself just honoring the Lord and all He had done for my papa throughout his life. At the grave I placed a quarter in the casket that he gave me so I would never be broke, he used to say we could call him with it, like payphones are still a thing.  I was able to start to cope. I remember taking a deep breath afterwards and looking around and I noticed a well, my papas grave site is right beside a well in the graveyard. In that moment I felt the Lord's presence of peace wash over me .Several things would still remind me of him, like pink skies or church songs, but I had a layer around my heart not allowing the pain to sting as bad as it first did.The first church service I went to after his passing was so hard. I was alone, but everything reminded me of him. The preaching sermon, to the songs. In the moment I prayed to the Lord that he would give me a heart like my papa had for the Lord, that I can know him like he did, and that he would never leave me because what I was doing wasn't working for me. The next day I decided to open my papas' Bible, not to read the words in it, but to read his handwriting. I started and couldn't stop, something inside of me awoke and earned for the Lord. This lasted for weeks and I was consumed with scripture and learning who my Lord is, why He is so good. In those months a distant God of the universe who helped others and I knew out of tradition that I was to worship became my Father who is as close to me as the hairs on my skin. My life was transformed. The death of my papa brought life to my spirit and I could never express the gratitude I have for that.

As I whip away the tears, I am reminded that not everyone has this blessed assurance that they know the Lord and I hope as you read this, He will draw you close to Him even now. Just cry out to Him and He will answer. By the time Christmas came along I was walking closer with the Lord than I ever had before. I was able to try to help others in my family learn to cope with Jesus than to let the pain engulf their life, some harder than others. God gave me this poem and I wanted to share it in memory of a Godly man who lived for the Lord. Everything I write and do stems in honor of His love for the Lord. I pray it can give you comfort and bless you in this sometimes sad holiday. Look up, God is with you always.

Christmas without you

The light is so bright
The warmth last throughout the night
The peace is so free, no stress
No hurrying to look my best
No worrying if the gift is just right
No working overtime to pay for the night
A party happens today like everyday
In heaven with Jesus on his Birthday
Today I hug Jesus and walk by his side
Talking about things wondered world wide
We talk about love and the blessing he gave
I'm so lucky I was able in my life to be saved
Today i'm not there but do not shed a tear
I'm with our lord free from all fear
The memory of me hurts because i'm not in my seat
Just know im happy worshiping at Jesus feet
Be happy for me wipe away your tear
One day you will join me so look up my dear
Be happy and celebrate our savior today
We worship him together even though we are miles away
You can not see me but know i'm in
 your heart
God will comfort you, he will never depart
This Christmas you are not without me
Love remains in your heart so share it for others see
Merry christmas from heaven and happy new year too
Enjoy this day, the family still needs you

Inspired by Grady Turner
12/20/24 @ 11:58am
Written by Hannah Austin